"How could I be so blind? How could I miss the warning signs? He took his life, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces." My own words echoed in my head, and I was left with a deep pit of remorse.
My twin flame, Trent, took his life on June 11, 2016. To date, it's been the biggest and most painful loss of my life. Never had I imagined waiting to be 38 years old and finally meet the love of my life, only to see him die just under a year of our blissful connection.
So many questions swirl in my head. Did I give enough love to make him happy? Did I make a difference in his life at all? Why had he promised us a bright future together, and yet gone and put a gun to his temple? My stomach feels sick from the visual of his demise; my heart is deeply saddened and crushed that we no longer have tomorrow and those diamond-bright dreams of new life in sunny California. All my hopes were wrapped up in this man, and my exciting coastal life that included our favorite restaurants, karaoke place, concerts and meeting my musical idols in Oakland...all the memories and magic we shared together. It's a bullet to the heart, to digest it all, and here in the span of three weeks, I am finally opening up to share my story.
When a loved one dies by suicide, we always go into shock mode: I should have known. I should have DONE something to stop him/her. "IF ONLY" I had been there, he wouldn't have pulled the trigger.
Truth is, nothing could have been done. The one planning suicide has made a pact and made peace with their decision. They are ending their life, they are tired, jaded, weary of this world, and they have also made their final goodbyes. Now floating away to that mansion in the sky, free of pain, free of guilt, and devoid of all shame and anger. Their soul has ascended to a higher place, and we must grieve this and accept it.
It's UGLY. It's messy. We hate it. We get mad and scream out loud to the loved one who died.
"You selfish bastard!" I remember saying to him. "Why did you leave me? You promised you'd never abandon me."
But sadly, there's no logic or reason in their passing. We see it as senseless....selfish...hurtful. But in their moment of weakness, they're only thinking of one thing: TO END THEIR PAIN.
So go easy on yourself and quit the blame game. You are learning to cope with a massive loss. Its going to take time. You will make it.
I lost my twin flame and the ache is horrendous. Each day is a new discovery of self, a day of learning how strong I really am. You can do it too.
Where there is great love, there is also great hope. Boundless hope.
No one can take the place of your soulmate or twin flame. The bond you share together is unrivaled by any other on this earth. They were made for you, and you for them. Kindred souls with a greater purpose to share love and be a light to the world. This big love inspires others on their journey to the authentic self.
Grieving someone to suicide is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The layers of pain are ominous, deep, wretched. You must go through the motions, day by day, to heal and move past another layer of this pain. It's not for the faint-hearted. It's a PROCESS, that's why they tell you it takes time. You cannot hit the fast forward button on the remote. You must go through it.
I miss Trent, and nothing can fill that ache. No other person, no distraction or time-filler, no comedy film or light banter, no obvious cure that someone tries to bestow. All I can do is make each day one in which I got myself off the couch, took a bath, made a meal, did my motherly duties or domestic tedium, and took a breath of life. That is all you can really do.
Until then, stay strong.
Cheering for you,
RR
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