My sadness over losing my Twin Flame 6 weeks ago on June 11th has been the Defining Moment of my life.
Drowning in unbearable pain and a river of tears, I continue to feel the magnitude of Trent's death, and each day brings a swelling tide of more emotions and pain.
People have been cruel, harsh and senseless.
No one wants to hear me out. But I'm going to say it anyways.
MYTH #1: Time heals all wounds.
First off, no one has the right to tell you how long your grieving will last. Some people grieve the hardest part of the grief journey in one year, 18 months or five years. While we never really GET OVER the person we lost, it is safe to say that most people find a way to sweep their emotions under the rug or pack it up and start over fresh with someone new. That is NOT me. Grief is personal, like a fingerprint, and it effects everyone differently. For example, a suicide loss will feel much different than a loss involving someone who passed from cancer. One death was a sudden shock, while the other happened over a period of time in which the one grieving was given a chance to say their goodbyes and process what was happening. Suicide survivors experience guilt, sadness, shock and utter despair, and they need to absorb their loved one's passing in their own way. So respect this.
MYTH #2: No one should see you cry. Keep it inside, appear strong to the world.
The way I manage my emotions behind closed doors is my business. Lately I've been reaching out to anyone and everyone who will listen, and if you're embarrassed by my grief, then too bad. If someone grieving heavily is asking for support, you should be a good friend and offer your compassion. While it's fine to stay pulled together at work, or put on a brave face to the world, by no means should you suffocate your feelings and pretend they don't exist. This will backfire, and you won't properly heal. Let the tears out, open the floodgates, and grieve this fully. Trust me, it will do you a world of good.
MYTH #3: Things happen for a reason. Don't worry. You'll see the reason soon.
Wow. This one is utter crap. Perhaps life is messy and unscripted. Maybe it doesn't have a blueprint. Maybe life happens on life's own terms. Take all the time you need to grieve, and frankly, you don't need to find a reason for your loved one's death. The only thing that matters is that you loved them dearly and they meant the world to you.
MYTH #4: The person was in pain. It was their time to go. Their "number" was up.
How senseless and cold! Whether they were eight years old or 80, this does not give someone the right to tell the grieving person that their loved one's time on earth was done. The family members or those left behind are NEVER ready to see a life cut short. It amazes me how many people are really just ignorant or afraid of mortality. We will all one day experience our big loss. Let's show some understanding and learn to accept death. Talking about it brings awareness. It is beneficial to everyone.
MYTH #5: Just think of the good times, hold them close to your heart, and all will be better.
Now this one is one of the hardest hitting. While it's great to think happy thoughts and replay home movies, make a shrine of your loved one, look at souvenirs and reminisce, nothing can ease your grief, so forget the fantasy of a magic wand or quick remedy. Grieving the loss is a necessary and crucial thing to do. Feeling the emotions of sadness, anger, shock and confusion is all part of the process, so dwelling on JUST HAPPY THOUGHTS is a surefire way to be disillusioned and disappointed in the grief journey. It's going to take time to move through this wave of heartache. Just take it one breath at a time, moment by moment, and you will learn to deal with it on your own terms, someday.
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
Self Care: You've been left behind, now what?
I've officially made it through four weeks of living since my soulmate Trent died by suicide, on June 11, 2016.
First of all, WHEW! Big sigh of relief. How am I still standing? How is this possible? That I can write this blog without getting choked up and having tears blind my vision and drench my keyboard. SIMPLE: I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. Does this mean I'm over the cycle of pain? No, not by any means. It's an ongoing process and will take a while to heal. But everyday brings a new hope, a new emotion, and mixed feelings.
I always told him affectionately, "Trent, when you pass and we've spent our 40 plus years together here on earth, I want to pass within 24 hours, because life won't be a life without YOU."
What I meant, was that I wanted to die of natural causes....a broken heart...so we could hold hands in the afterlife together, beaming and smiling, a cloud of golden light surrounding us, living in peace.
Fate had other plans, so here I am. Alone again, naturally.
Self care is vital during the grieving process after a partner has died by suicide. You MUST take care of your inner child and outer adult. Here is a list of things I've been practicing and finding useful in my grief journey:
1. Meditate or pray. Spend time alone. Your soul's calling must be heard. Listen to what it's saying. Self awareness is key.
2. Journal or write about your feelings, emotions, fears, anger, sadness, frustration. Get it all out. The only path to healing is to let your emotions be a floodgate, let them overflow onto the paper.
3. Phone a friend. Or two. Or five. I've spent the last few weeks on the phone with a few close female friends whom I trust. Healing takes place when we TALK about our pain. You need to validate what you're feeling. Don't bottle it up inside.
4. Find a grief or bereavement counselor. Community non-profit places have free counseling. I've booked some sessions with one who lost a son to suicide. Common bonds can be formed with a compassionate person who knows what you're going through.
5. Rest, eat, relax. The first week will be tough. You won't want to get out of bed. Take some time to process the loss and trauma. At this time, you may not have an appetite, but do your best to eat small snacks and hydrate yourself.
6. De-stress and take a long soak in a hot bubble bath. Light some candles, put on soft music. Your mind and body are going through a DEATH. This is a heavy process. Show yourself some compassion.
7. Get out of the house! Do not sit and vegetate. The first couple weeks should be rest and grieving. But soon, you need to get out of your TOMB and see that there is still life out there. Call a friend and have a latte on a patio. Feel the sun on your skin. Breathe the summer air. Remember, you are still alive.
8. Laugh, play, have fun! Go to a hilarious movie or a comedy club. Get a dose of laughter rippling through you. You need to stop moping, or you'll get in a rut. Laughter is healing. Don't spend all day, everyday, in sadness and isolation.
9. Take stock of what's still beautiful in your life. Friends, family, or mentors who uplift you can show you what still matters. I phoned my biggest mentor, and he talked a whole hour on the phone, reminding me of all the great qualities I have, and I got off the phone with a giddiness and hope. Remember, you have much more to offer in this life. You have a bright future ahead. People love you, and there's more beauty yet to come.
10. Spoil yourself. Go on a shopping spree and get a nice outfit, go to the salon and update your look, or get some new pampering products from Bath & Body Works. You deserve to be given the gift of your time, your healing, and your renewal. Take time to fall in love with your life again. Loss of a loved one is devastating, and it can drain you, but be good to yourself. You can do this.
Cheering for you,
~RR~
First of all, WHEW! Big sigh of relief. How am I still standing? How is this possible? That I can write this blog without getting choked up and having tears blind my vision and drench my keyboard. SIMPLE: I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. Does this mean I'm over the cycle of pain? No, not by any means. It's an ongoing process and will take a while to heal. But everyday brings a new hope, a new emotion, and mixed feelings.
I always told him affectionately, "Trent, when you pass and we've spent our 40 plus years together here on earth, I want to pass within 24 hours, because life won't be a life without YOU."
What I meant, was that I wanted to die of natural causes....a broken heart...so we could hold hands in the afterlife together, beaming and smiling, a cloud of golden light surrounding us, living in peace.
Fate had other plans, so here I am. Alone again, naturally.
Self care is vital during the grieving process after a partner has died by suicide. You MUST take care of your inner child and outer adult. Here is a list of things I've been practicing and finding useful in my grief journey:
1. Meditate or pray. Spend time alone. Your soul's calling must be heard. Listen to what it's saying. Self awareness is key.
2. Journal or write about your feelings, emotions, fears, anger, sadness, frustration. Get it all out. The only path to healing is to let your emotions be a floodgate, let them overflow onto the paper.
3. Phone a friend. Or two. Or five. I've spent the last few weeks on the phone with a few close female friends whom I trust. Healing takes place when we TALK about our pain. You need to validate what you're feeling. Don't bottle it up inside.
4. Find a grief or bereavement counselor. Community non-profit places have free counseling. I've booked some sessions with one who lost a son to suicide. Common bonds can be formed with a compassionate person who knows what you're going through.
5. Rest, eat, relax. The first week will be tough. You won't want to get out of bed. Take some time to process the loss and trauma. At this time, you may not have an appetite, but do your best to eat small snacks and hydrate yourself.
6. De-stress and take a long soak in a hot bubble bath. Light some candles, put on soft music. Your mind and body are going through a DEATH. This is a heavy process. Show yourself some compassion.
7. Get out of the house! Do not sit and vegetate. The first couple weeks should be rest and grieving. But soon, you need to get out of your TOMB and see that there is still life out there. Call a friend and have a latte on a patio. Feel the sun on your skin. Breathe the summer air. Remember, you are still alive.
8. Laugh, play, have fun! Go to a hilarious movie or a comedy club. Get a dose of laughter rippling through you. You need to stop moping, or you'll get in a rut. Laughter is healing. Don't spend all day, everyday, in sadness and isolation.
9. Take stock of what's still beautiful in your life. Friends, family, or mentors who uplift you can show you what still matters. I phoned my biggest mentor, and he talked a whole hour on the phone, reminding me of all the great qualities I have, and I got off the phone with a giddiness and hope. Remember, you have much more to offer in this life. You have a bright future ahead. People love you, and there's more beauty yet to come.
10. Spoil yourself. Go on a shopping spree and get a nice outfit, go to the salon and update your look, or get some new pampering products from Bath & Body Works. You deserve to be given the gift of your time, your healing, and your renewal. Take time to fall in love with your life again. Loss of a loved one is devastating, and it can drain you, but be good to yourself. You can do this.
Cheering for you,
~RR~
Friday, July 1, 2016
WHEN A TWIN FLAME DIES: Grieving your loved one to suicide and crossing the bridge to hope
"How could I be so blind? How could I miss the warning signs? He took his life, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces." My own words echoed in my head, and I was left with a deep pit of remorse.
My twin flame, Trent, took his life on June 11, 2016. To date, it's been the biggest and most painful loss of my life. Never had I imagined waiting to be 38 years old and finally meet the love of my life, only to see him die just under a year of our blissful connection.
So many questions swirl in my head. Did I give enough love to make him happy? Did I make a difference in his life at all? Why had he promised us a bright future together, and yet gone and put a gun to his temple? My stomach feels sick from the visual of his demise; my heart is deeply saddened and crushed that we no longer have tomorrow and those diamond-bright dreams of new life in sunny California. All my hopes were wrapped up in this man, and my exciting coastal life that included our favorite restaurants, karaoke place, concerts and meeting my musical idols in Oakland...all the memories and magic we shared together. It's a bullet to the heart, to digest it all, and here in the span of three weeks, I am finally opening up to share my story.
When a loved one dies by suicide, we always go into shock mode: I should have known. I should have DONE something to stop him/her. "IF ONLY" I had been there, he wouldn't have pulled the trigger.
Truth is, nothing could have been done. The one planning suicide has made a pact and made peace with their decision. They are ending their life, they are tired, jaded, weary of this world, and they have also made their final goodbyes. Now floating away to that mansion in the sky, free of pain, free of guilt, and devoid of all shame and anger. Their soul has ascended to a higher place, and we must grieve this and accept it.
It's UGLY. It's messy. We hate it. We get mad and scream out loud to the loved one who died.
"You selfish bastard!" I remember saying to him. "Why did you leave me? You promised you'd never abandon me."
But sadly, there's no logic or reason in their passing. We see it as senseless....selfish...hurtful. But in their moment of weakness, they're only thinking of one thing: TO END THEIR PAIN.
So go easy on yourself and quit the blame game. You are learning to cope with a massive loss. Its going to take time. You will make it.
I lost my twin flame and the ache is horrendous. Each day is a new discovery of self, a day of learning how strong I really am. You can do it too.
Where there is great love, there is also great hope. Boundless hope.
No one can take the place of your soulmate or twin flame. The bond you share together is unrivaled by any other on this earth. They were made for you, and you for them. Kindred souls with a greater purpose to share love and be a light to the world. This big love inspires others on their journey to the authentic self.
Grieving someone to suicide is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The layers of pain are ominous, deep, wretched. You must go through the motions, day by day, to heal and move past another layer of this pain. It's not for the faint-hearted. It's a PROCESS, that's why they tell you it takes time. You cannot hit the fast forward button on the remote. You must go through it.
I miss Trent, and nothing can fill that ache. No other person, no distraction or time-filler, no comedy film or light banter, no obvious cure that someone tries to bestow. All I can do is make each day one in which I got myself off the couch, took a bath, made a meal, did my motherly duties or domestic tedium, and took a breath of life. That is all you can really do.
Until then, stay strong.
Cheering for you,
RR
My twin flame, Trent, took his life on June 11, 2016. To date, it's been the biggest and most painful loss of my life. Never had I imagined waiting to be 38 years old and finally meet the love of my life, only to see him die just under a year of our blissful connection.
So many questions swirl in my head. Did I give enough love to make him happy? Did I make a difference in his life at all? Why had he promised us a bright future together, and yet gone and put a gun to his temple? My stomach feels sick from the visual of his demise; my heart is deeply saddened and crushed that we no longer have tomorrow and those diamond-bright dreams of new life in sunny California. All my hopes were wrapped up in this man, and my exciting coastal life that included our favorite restaurants, karaoke place, concerts and meeting my musical idols in Oakland...all the memories and magic we shared together. It's a bullet to the heart, to digest it all, and here in the span of three weeks, I am finally opening up to share my story.
When a loved one dies by suicide, we always go into shock mode: I should have known. I should have DONE something to stop him/her. "IF ONLY" I had been there, he wouldn't have pulled the trigger.
Truth is, nothing could have been done. The one planning suicide has made a pact and made peace with their decision. They are ending their life, they are tired, jaded, weary of this world, and they have also made their final goodbyes. Now floating away to that mansion in the sky, free of pain, free of guilt, and devoid of all shame and anger. Their soul has ascended to a higher place, and we must grieve this and accept it.
It's UGLY. It's messy. We hate it. We get mad and scream out loud to the loved one who died.
"You selfish bastard!" I remember saying to him. "Why did you leave me? You promised you'd never abandon me."
But sadly, there's no logic or reason in their passing. We see it as senseless....selfish...hurtful. But in their moment of weakness, they're only thinking of one thing: TO END THEIR PAIN.
So go easy on yourself and quit the blame game. You are learning to cope with a massive loss. Its going to take time. You will make it.
I lost my twin flame and the ache is horrendous. Each day is a new discovery of self, a day of learning how strong I really am. You can do it too.
Where there is great love, there is also great hope. Boundless hope.
No one can take the place of your soulmate or twin flame. The bond you share together is unrivaled by any other on this earth. They were made for you, and you for them. Kindred souls with a greater purpose to share love and be a light to the world. This big love inspires others on their journey to the authentic self.
Grieving someone to suicide is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The layers of pain are ominous, deep, wretched. You must go through the motions, day by day, to heal and move past another layer of this pain. It's not for the faint-hearted. It's a PROCESS, that's why they tell you it takes time. You cannot hit the fast forward button on the remote. You must go through it.
I miss Trent, and nothing can fill that ache. No other person, no distraction or time-filler, no comedy film or light banter, no obvious cure that someone tries to bestow. All I can do is make each day one in which I got myself off the couch, took a bath, made a meal, did my motherly duties or domestic tedium, and took a breath of life. That is all you can really do.
Until then, stay strong.
Cheering for you,
RR
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